That single fangirl friend talks fandom and relationships (or a lack thereof)
āI cancelled drinks with this guy because SHINeeās music video is coming out tonight.ā
A friend of mine, something of a K-pop youngblood with a year of fangirling under her belt, told me this the other week. At the time, it didnāt strike me as anything outside the realm of normalities for the typical twenty-something. After all, I canāt even count the number of people in my social circles who would call off a date in a heartbeat for a new episode of Game of Thrones or an NBA game.
Although in retrospect, it left me thinking. My friendās casual confession made me think about my own situation relative to dating and relationships (or lack thereof). Iām the poster child for being happy and single, but Iād be lying if I said I donāt understand why raised eyebrows greet my no-boyfriend-since-forever confessions. My romance track record is about as smooth and spotless as a babyās ass, punctuated only by the brave few whoāve confessed and been turned down. I realize that pursuit of a relationship was never really a prospect I paid any mind to.
Upon closer inspection, I think my being a K-pop fangirl since childhood has contributed to that in one way or another.
RELATED: Why Do I Still Like K-Pop Anyway?
I know it might sound a little ridiculous, but the more I thought about my lifeās dating-fangirling proportionality, the more it made sense. In high school, I didnāt care about prom or who I was going with; I cared about the album my favorite group would be releasing the next month. While pretty much all my friends in college dated around, I was busy catching up with variety show appearances and picking up the basics of a language. Fast forward to the present, what has changed? Iāve got single friends. Iāve got married friends. And me? Iām the friend wrapped in a special snowflake blanket of singularity since birth.
This thought led me to wonder, are people the same? There are countless boys and girls who dedicate the same time, funds and effort into supporting the artists they like. How has K-pop affected this aspect of their life?
I took to the fandom Twitterverse (stan Twitter, if youāre feeling technical) for answers.
āBeing in a fandom has made it harder to find physically attractive
people who measure up to what Iād like.ā
A little context: when it comes to the world of Korean entertainment, celebrities are expected to present their best selves. Attractive, talented and well-mannered, the boys and girls of K-pop are called idols for a reason. Theyāre trained to be looked up to and when youāre neck-deep in a world so saturated with beautiful people, itās hard not to want some of that in real lifeāeven with the knowledge that what we see is but the tip of the iceberg.
Hear me out. Iāve been on the receiving end of snide comments about my high standards for so long, but itās not like Iām expecting the potential love of my life to actually have big eyes, deep dimples, exceptional leadership skills and a sponge cake for a heart. I wonāt deny that there are fans whose longing for celebrities borders on parasocial, but a large fraction of us cannot and will not identify with that. Our checklists might be longer, but like everybody with a type, ideals are aspirations rather than deal-breakers.
āIsnāt it unfair that if your girlfriend is a huge fan of something and collects it,
itās a good hobby. But when she likes K-pop, thereās suddenly a stigma?ā
Ā
I was on the way to a photo shoot with a few colleagues last year. One of them asked another how heād feel if his girlfriend loved K-pop unabashedly (read: staying up to catch their midnight album releases, lining up for good seats at their shows, flying out of town for their concerts, etc.). Letās just say the answer didnāt stray from what I expected.
The aforementioned checklist of ideals isnāt one-sided.
āPeople say itās about growing up, like once you grow up, youāll leave K-pop behind and embrace the prospect of dating,ā shares another respondent. āMe liking K-pop doesnāt mean Iām less of an adult.ā
There are varying perspectives from the outside looking in, and itās safe to say that not many of them put fangirling over boys who dye their hair and pierce their ears, who are branded as effeminate, who speak a different language, in a positive light. Perhaps itās a valid preference, in the same way some people refuse to date younger men or taller women. Perhaps it translates into what they see as the fangirlās perplexing undateability.
āWould you say K-pop fills some sort of void for you?ā
āI would say it used to just be K-pop, but right now
itās the fandom [as a whole].ā
We converse over chat, but when I ask one of my biggest fangirl friends whether she still finds herself attracted to ārealā men despite her heightened standards, I can almost hear her respond, laughter light and easy. āLike finding a guy hot? Of course, I always think about dating,ā she admits. āBut I never feel inclined to put in effort and make a move.ā
As I neared my twenties, I took longer strides and deeper dives into the taped-up territory of fandom. Maybe thatās why I never found myself searching for love. At the time when my friends thought Iād open my eyes to relationships, at the age my mother began to date my father, I formed unshakeable bonds with people who shared the same interests. Itās become a little less about the boys I love and a little more about the people they led me to find.
https://giphy.com/gifs/tvland-tv-land-l41YzmpwNBqMt64Cs
So where does that leave us? Has K-pop made me undateable? Itās not the only reason, but with ten years of it so deeply embedded into my person, itās definitely contributed to the way I am, the way I perceive people, prospects and possible relationships. In fact, undateable might not even be the word for it. Emotionally unavailable for the time being is more I like it.
Now if youāll excuse me, Iāve got concert footage to catch up on.
RELATED: 5 Things Only Fans of All Things Korean Would Know
Art Cara Gamo
Images via vogue, zing ying li, thanhh truc