And, well, low-key judging
Safe and consensual sex on the regular is great. Science says it’s good for the heart, too. Adding a few kinks which could be a person’s sexual interests, preferences or stuff that make up their wet dreams, into the mix is healthy. But kinks should always be well-researched, communicated pre-coitus and should never ever put you or your partner at risk.
It’s also important to know the difference between wanting to spice up the sex with a toy or a little impact play (spanking here and there anyone?), and needing something to feel satisfied (fetish). Simply put, kinks add to the experience but aren’t always necessary, while fetish is a psychological need for specific acts, objects or sometimes a person to feel pleasure.
Shibari? Sure, we’re down for that. Watching a little bit of porn to “pick up new moves,” okay. But there are kinks and fetishes that we either don’t get or just cross the line:
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Coprophilia: arousal to feces
Food and sex just work sometimes—sushi eaten off a naked body, whipped cream licked off of your nooks and crannies, cucumber…for who knows what. But what comes after digestion—we’re talking about human manure—is not really hygienic. As they old saying goes, don’t shit where you eat, or fuck for that matter.
Frotteurism: arousal to touching a stranger surreptitiously in a crowded place
You’ve heard stories of this happening in public transport, in the elevators, etc. A person “accidentally” brushing his or her hand to feel someone else’s ass or pressing their body against another because “there’s no space.” Nope, this is not okay.
Necrophilia: arousal to corpses
Sex with the dead is a fetish that is deemed unacceptable. Currently, few countries explicitly mention the act to be illegal, including New Zealand, South Africa and the United Kingdom. Some studies say that the paraphilic disorder “may stem from an intense fear of interacting with potential living partners” and is treatable with cognitive therapy and medication.
Urophilia: arousal to urine or urinating on others
A golden shower is another fetish we can’t understand whether as the giver or the receiver. Urine may have less bacteria than tap water and is pretty toxin-free (I know, I was surprised, too), but it’s still pee.
Zoophilia: arousal to nonhuman animals
While some people find it awkard to have sex when their pets are in the room, others get aroused by them. Zoophilia, as the fixation is called, describes a person’s erotic feelings for or sexual attachment to animals. It’s not bestiality (which involves actual penetration), but we can’t imagine having thoughts beyond cuddling our fur babies.
Any kind of fetish involving minors and children
Sexual attraction to minors is technically not illegal. However sexually-based crimes against legally underage victims are. These include child sexual abuse, statutory rape, child pornography, child grooming, stalking and indecent exposure. Then again, in some countries like the Philippines, the minimum age of consensual sex is 12 years old.
Other kinks we’ve heard of and are still on the fence about include cuckolding (different from a threesome but could be a gateway for it?) or watching your partner have sex with someone else, electrostimulation, literally involving electricity, and humiliation (who knew it was thing) or verbal abuse during sex, i.e., name-calling.
When it comes to sex, if you’re not sure and it’s something you’d rather not have your partner do unto you, just don’t risk it. And remember, consensual, safe and protected sex is the way to go. Always.
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Art Alexandra Lara