We all want to make a good first impression, but should we?
An ex-boyfriend of mine and I were chatting about his current relationship recently (yes, I’m one of those weirdos who is always friends with their exes), and we got to talking about what it takes to stay happy with someone. Of course, a lot of that is logical: financial security, quality time, spicy sex life, shared experiences, and so on. But I think a lot of the mistakes that eventually kill a relationship are made at the very beginning.
“A lot of the mistakes that eventually kill a relationship are made at the very beginning.”
I love the beginning. Everything is exciting, the sex is new and hasn’t become redundant yet, every little thing you find you have in common seems like proof that the skies have opened and you’ve found “the one.” Except, you probably haven’t—I mean it’s possible you have, but the nature of the new and exciting relationship is that we cheat. Not on the object of our desires, but we cheat ourselves. We present the most sparkly, exciting, luminous version of ourselves to keep that fire burning in our hearts aflame as long as possible. What’s wrong with that? Well, nothing necessarily, but on the path to continued passion, it’s easy to fall into harmless white lies.
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The fear of something magical ending means that white lies are told, blind eyes are turned, and concessions are made. Is this harmful? Not immediately. I mean, I certainly have done it and it was always in the interest of making my partner happy and keeping us in love. I’ve lied and said I’ve seen certain movies when I haven’t, liked bands I was only mildly familiar with, and was into sexual positions that just weren’t my jam. And on the flip side, I’ve had guys tell me they loved to read when they hadn’t read a book since High School, that they’re totally okay with not having kids (assuming I’ll change my mind down the road), and more. Some of these things are okay. SOME. But at a certain point, either you or your partner might start to care.
“The fear of something magical ending means that white lies are told,
blind eyes are turned, and concessions are made.
Is this harmful? Not immediately.”
A friend of mine told a guy early on that she loved giving head. The reality was that she had a deviated septum and a mediocre gag reflex, but in her words, she wanted to “appear sexy and up for anything.” But eventually, as the relationship got more comfortable and the dude stopped getting head, he had some questions. I once dated a guy who claimed to “love cuddling,” but what he really meant was that he tolerated cuddling for about three minutes after ejaculation.
Sometimes it’s as simple as getting too comfortable when the shine begins to fade and not wanting to be locked in to someone who’s a couch potato, or someone who’s passion easily turns to anger, or humble nature is actually insecurity and toxic jealousy.
We try so damn hard to be the person our partner wants that down the line, someone is bound to ask “When did they become this person? Where did the person I fell in love with go?” Sad fact is, that person never existed. When we advertise our sparkly side and brush the majority of who we actually are under the rug, we cheat ourselves of being loved for real, while giving our partners the bizarre experience of having fallen in love with a phantom.
“When we advertise our sparkly side
and brush the majority of who we actually are under the rug,
we cheat ourselves of being loved for real.”
I always tell myself that I’ll never do this again, and while I’ve gotten better, I still occasionally find myself nodding and agreeing when I don’t, or smiling at jokes that aren’t funny. And I tell myself “it’s a process” and pat myself on the back for at least being honest that I hate sports.
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Words Nicole Caliro
Art Matthew Fetalver
